Leap Year 2016 ... Day 29 ...

All generations, are amazed how time has passed since we were engaged. That is life.

I purchased up North, in the sale at Hanley, a perpetual Christmas Countdown block ... It is in use to countdown the deadlines in tasks I set. It is not rigid. It is a guideline. The next time with be for the month of March, until I get to Kernow, to tidy up what I have done, and doing in the next 17 days ...

A Lotta Lotta Charity and Clearing On decisions Made ... still plenty to go ...

taking a break and easing into the extra day we have this year ... to take a long weekend off from some of it to mark personal celebrations in our once life ... with daughter and I going our separate ways now ... that is how day 25, 26, 27 and 28 was on more of a ruthless start on clearing my life away, to make way for a new chance to live differently, that come to some of us get when things take drastic and unexpected twists and turns in life ... 

World Thinking Day... Day 22 into Day 23 and Today ...

From Thinking Day to World Thinking Day ... although in our area we were always aware of the world of Guiding and Scouting. I am not sure if I still have my Guide handbook. This is how the mind diverts. I wonder if I still have that or this. 

Day 22 and 23 ...

I have been enjoying the fruits of my labours, although immersed in all that is about me. I made time on the day I have remembered for as long as I became a Brownie, through and past the time of attending Guides it is still going strong. It has moved with the times. 

I then adjusted my time table to face a bus journey later this week to visit my mum in law who had checks overnight in hospital recently. Today and tomorrow are busy markets here and in the town where she now resides in. I will see how I go. 

Previous Days and Today ...

I have been busy baking some bread to acquire a more settled time, for the unsettling of life adjustments like these that trigger memories I rather not remember ... now ... 

I keep quietly clearing, rather slowly at times to the refuse and recycle and the charity and put in use things I have been reunited with in the muddle of life that is now past ... The perpetual sort through of memories in a time of stillness in this once busy home is ongoing ... 

I have found out and used from the other day when I first made bread, a loaf tin my Mum had sent up ... I have come across the things I was given to pamper myself in the rooms my family knew me for ... the lotions and potions and bits and bobs in getting me motivated to wash, cook, and craft ... a pattern book, card craft and much more ... 

It was overwhelming these things at the time ... A home decor mood book ... DVDs ... so many things ... so thoughtful ... but what a quandary at that time .... 

What I did adapt to and use from the outset were the ebooks, phones pads and pods, my sister passed on or gave as gifts to motivate me in the world that uses gadgets more and more ... I adapted from hard copies where I could and transformed my life through a world a lot of folks are still fathoming out too ... 

It was such a help and kept my mind both occupied and frustrated. Over this sad time I have learnt to use everything from emails to blogging to more scribbling sketching and painting in new ways ... even though at times, I can still not be focused on the now ...

The weekend on Day 20 through 21 ...

more of the same creating a mess ... clearing the mess in the muddle of a home in restoring some life back in it ... along with the daily functions of life now ... loads of flashbacks to stop me in my tracks ... remembering to smile when the bitterness creeps in my moods ... 

Reunited with more of the music that I have been sifting through. With World Thinking day upon us for those who acknowledge this day ... reflections back on photos again, to remind me of happier times, made much more recently too, to remind me I am still functioning  ... 

The Nineteenth Day ...

the counter space semi hidden once again ready for the various decisions to be made. The finances kept in good health, whilst airing the property and getting motivated for the next bit. 

The main thing is enjoying what I am doing this weekend to boost the mood which can so easily dip... I am not sure what I am doing ... I'll let the mood take me ... I did fancy baking some cookies ... 

I have been communicating with more than the core family, which is good. I am still not very good in interaction. I hope that comes as I shed off the clutter and mess and muddle bit by bit ... and be more in tune with the world out of these walls ...

Day 18 ... Dignity in ... Dying

It is good for the morale, that there is more space in the kitchen. I have the start of my inner strength of will. I have just worked through the memories stirred, which helps the current complaint. I have my moments of wobbles. It is never going to be easy; with no thanks to the ripple non response effect. The fact I am struggling this far down the line is the fact, that the failed  planned care was not still put into action ...  to continue with considerations to grief and although the body removed. The items did not. I would have needed support more support than ever. 

I am laying ghosts to rest ... whilst they are stirred once again. I may have gone round in circles, overwhelmed, injured, fallen over out in public too, on pavements, in buses on people and so forth which lack of due care and attention from those who are paid to be there for society needs when we are struggling. And rebuilding my strength. The lack of knowledge of how to care ... surrounded us.

If others struggled with the overwhelmness... What does that say ... ? ... 

I keep coming back to being trained to work in the palliative care part of life ... The trouble is targets forget about Dignity in Dying ... 

I was so brutally treated in the sweep of life from living with OUR complex requirements ... And then there was one ... in a cluttered home, now with a death scene to contend with ... Hello ?  in a mish mash of life and everyone coming to me to co-ordinate ... 

I was in no fit state to operate and function in life ... Once the arrangements for our daughter's welfare, the funeral  ... The other items I will not mention ... Taken care of ... No wonder I just wanted to lay in the cold until it too ... Took me ... 

Day 4 through TODAY ... Day 17

I was finding the paperwork from the past problematic. I went back to the task I had started in starting somewhere. The varied progress made, although still not yet second nature. The volume of the following time too, was too overwhelming and it gets me. No-one likes to repeat themselves in the nasty's of life.

I am tempted to enter the room; I do not enter. This means organising the clothes I hang here to hide, what is beyond. I leave the door ajar to air and circulate. I do what I do in this home to keep it better circulated than I was able to ... when life did not matter.

Our daughter and her boyfriend were the last in there. It is getting my head round where to begin, start, commence the process in this. The best way to approach taking out the items; to the need of living functions and pleasures ...

And then family can start coming back here. They have given me space to manoeuvre this process and I go to them for the holidays ... which is good in a way; for that travelling needs to be second nature again too ...

Hopes for a better time of it ...

The struggles of facing life without hope ... Let alone the world when one now views it even differently yet again ... The general moaning and groaning without a smile for fellow people ... Ungraciousness ... the blood shed ... When one saw one struggling to cope with physically and mental health issues in a world still full of prejudice overlooking the fact of being unable to cope ... is very different to the fact of choosing to live like that ... 

The triggers and trials of a life past ... I knew I had a lot to put to rest ... I have adjusted the ardous task of paperwork, for more adaptions to the way I still lived following the adjustments ... It has been putting the relevant items that can now go in the relevant rooms now ... And seeing that 'Why am I still doing that?'

This will hopefully rest my mind, to come back to the paperwork again ... This is an ongoing trial and error period of this life ... It is all anew ... And I am free to live a life of my own choosing again ... if and when ... only my own mind will let go ... and embrace this fresh time I now have ... 

Decisions ...

right or wrong, inbetwixt ... The one thing that is obvious is what I will not have time for now and let go of it ... I will not catch up ... It is gone ... 

Later Today ...

is the allotted day from those early days of getting the muddled finances back in order ... after becoming a bit obsessed I will concentrate on this and also do something good ... I did accidentally pay an extra Council Tax forgetting I pay over 10 ... This would be good to concentrate on today and not the past ... where time has moved and some do not think of this ... 

Anyway interesting, very interesting times to come ... a dish best served cold ... I did say I was a bit of a lemon this week ... bitter ... 

Dawn of Day 3 ...

not quite yet ... later on ...

Hopes for some progress ... it looks for a easier task or so; after a restless time ... I do not put pressure on myself ... if things come together or not just yet ... when I forget things have gone, I try to be logical ... and when an irritating memory is jogged, I move on to something good ... or an idea to log ... plenty to keep occupied in the good zone ... 

This was tested this week ... I dealt with what became, told myself to stop being a lemon ... and deal with the present in time and let my self go back in time for a while to bring it back to the present also ... 

And if I am making any sense whatsoever, then I am making progress all round ... 

That was a more...

peaceful afternoon ...

It gave time for the mind to be more productive again ...

Let's hope Day 3 tomorrow flows a bit better ... time will see ...

Mid Week and Time ...

for a breather ...  especially after  a solid two days of emotions ... Hopes for a more peaceful day now I dealt with more of those irritations in life ... 

My head is swirling ... a long lunch break and see where I am taken after that ... 

Beneath The Dust

... Cleaning is sometimes a no brainier ... I stay away from the chemicals at the best of times and certainly when I'm in confused mode ... I use them to a minimum ... I prefer the science of the techniques passed down long before all the fancy ads of the modern era ... 

Jif now Cif stands the test of time ... I use miltons instead of bleach ... Bicarbonate of soda also is one of our tried and tested as is baking powder and white vinegar ... 

I used to use the strong stuff every so often for a blast of a session. And maintain with the stuff one has around the home usually in between ... 

I have done some of the household cleaning to take me through to the time phones will ease a bit at the start of the working day ... And they have settled into the day ... 

I feel as though I have done a days work already with yesterday's shenanigans...

The Morning next ...

After the time before

This was not going to be smooth ... I will keep at it on the scenic route ... I am not wishing this time away ... in lucid times ... life is precious ... only even I have caved at the most pushed times ...  

Once ... I was the one to coax ... I was the one to encourage ... I took time out of my own life to spend precious time with a tortured mind ... Losing my husband long ... before he physically went  ... 

Now I am the one ... 

After such an Appalling Time ...

Of it today ...

I hope to ease into the day later today with some nice things ... after dealing with some problems first, at the start of this day ... Then get something sent to daughter to tie up another loose end that should have been done when her Dad was still alive ... 

I hope to have a bit of a pamper ...my hair is in need of a good cut too ... I hope to get that done before long? ... That was another thing I did myself during that time ... I have always trimmed my own fringe between my hair cuts anyway, with a feathered cut ... I had been thinking about a completely different style ... My family cannot believe how dark my hair has gone ... Probably because the sunlight did not not see it for a long while ...

Day 2 ...

The impact is a blow to the senses again ... But on it goes ... Bringing all strands into a semblance of a more enriching time ... I would rather the next generation not to have to deal with yet more cluttered spaces beyond the norm .

My daughter was able to stay in student halls for various reasons. Three became four. Four became five, then back to four for the current year, this time in a student house to the two of them later this year. 

This has obviously meant moving around every year, applying the same pricinciple through our life once, and again now ... reduce, reuse, recycle as we go ... The benefits to a more personal place for these items, with the young people they give some of their time to, to either use themselves or raise those funds to operate access to outings out of the home to give others a change to ... 

And now for me to back get into the mode of life and rejoin it again too ... To do so ... Clear the home clear this mind andto a better atmosphere ... 

I focused on those good moments ...

evoked from the sifting through of a past ... that should have gone long ago ... 

I focused in on the more usual treasures in a home. A photo album of mine. The photos took of years long ago.  It was pleasing that I had a picture of the old fire station by the home in Kernow; which was recently pulled down to make way for other dwellings. I had not taken a photo of it recently. 

Especially having that moment today helped, with the frustration of the plans to shred that went out of the window. The shredder I had intended to use was a challenge to retrieve. 

As usual my thoughts were restless. The end goal is much in mind. And the fact I have ideas whirring around too ... which tonight is taking the noise away from outside of a storm well brewing. 

Monday first of the month ... Day 1

Finding more of a schedule for the back log is on the agenda this week ... Facing the backlog of the paperwork my sister started on when we were in that period I have only briefly scanned on in past logs ... This is a vey painful phase ... Going through husbands paperwork and checking all that was started by family, then the crisis team to start the process of re- establishing paperwork order in finances ... 

That all is back in order and a line drawn underneath on that part of the process .... 

And co-ordinating the present with this task and transferring documents by scanning and electronically is going to take patience to find a system that suits my personal needs ... Long overdue in the over whelming timetable of all in this muddled life 

It will mean a lot less stress and better for the wellbeing in the long term