Back to the whine ...

in silent. That start at the stage in movement in some one touch and removal. The other put aside in adjusting to take apart an area. Then put in place what should be in the lesser items removed space. 

This will take a span of days ... in alignment of that the slow change in the kitchen habits. The cook space to bake and make some recipes not had in a while. 

The slow change in the bathroom space to change bad habits there. In place here is some workings of old and more pleasant times. The appreciation of gifts telling me in subtle ways to relax and get to smell pleasant... 

The entertainment coming into plans made with my late hubby. Alongside the ever changing face in this part of life. TV into VHS into DVDS into the streaming world.... 

I do not record or get into much here now. The leisurely time in and out of my interests. The decisions on crafting or being mobile in nomadic ways. There has been much change in this, while I process in progress through. 

I will pass on the camcorder films for daughter to splice into other media ... The voice recordings she made with her Dad during revision already in order on her set up. And some other ancient recordings there and if still here and about or there or gone in the en masse clear?

The backbone of the dilemmas, what is no longer around. There will be forever parts in miss. This is beyond the usual lost items in a archive of a home. 

This in a place left from over excesses in a world of an undiagnosed mind ... 

I hope in time it will all come into place. 

Coordination in Cloud

The thankfulness in this timely climate. The welcome in ease and burden. As always not without the cons. Those  cons far outweigh my own cons. The pros beneficial to more than much ... 

The Delete, Delete, Delete sometimes much simpler... and for us non techies we can retrieve within a certain time or a chance to undo 

The next phase in experimentation in the entertainment side of it. 

Though I find it all damn entertaining! 

Tis time ...

with all that is available in the tech world, that the visual images you stumble upon of the unsavourily kind have some screen saver to warn before proceeding or not. Especially when my own device settings are sometimes too smart for me ! A prime example ... a news coverage image of a cousin trapped and burnt to cinders in a car crush. Yes from a distance, but I rather have not seen. It is someone's family and friend member, in these images too often too much seen .... 

The same could be said for the newspapers; whence once I read such things, the gruesome images that churns the stomach up bad.  It is also like the top shelf once and still ... in ways different. I am not easily offended in that respect. I just do not wish to see certain images, that the kids had easy access to when my own child was growing up. Those punishment images that so churns up, yet so ready available that people think they could fall from a height and still get up. 

And I have to be in the right frame of mind to see hoard photos like to ... 

Implementing

in the ideas I had away from here ... somehow through the maze in much ... the reclaim of my home space style in force to reckon with. The flings in expletives and the air a spectrum of rainbow colour in moods to the void of depths no one should enter and back in the brilliances as portrayed in the season hues taken in image around and about ... by thyself in this recovery struggle 

The lighter mood

the day after a deep impact of dark foreboding that took over a tad. 

The back to the eternal ...where on earth was I? 

The doing of the next phase and I hope a more clear passage of time to do so. The daily problems throw me off course. Or I go off track. What ever happens something gets done. And every so often the change can be seen. And then the next upheaval is created to smooth the longer term path! 

Very much

getting through the goals we have in place for removal of the gathering of another's habits in OCD One very happy daughter currently. A lot of arduous adjustment in the loss of a parent. A parent who happened to be around more in a daughters life. The rupture too of a time when a daughter too became a carer. This never impacted on the loving close relationship they had. A daughter who aged beyond the tender teenage years. How the wider family are proud of her determination in continuing to care for others and striving for her wishes in being an eternal student too This time in whether to pick up the on hold studies or continue in the new avenue another close death threw up earlier this year. And do a masters in this area from the evolving time life came in ways different beyond the imagined plans we can have in its origin 

We are definitely entering another era where the past will be removed some more 

More of the plan

... more of the attempt in action ... Oh boy! This is a massive movement. The panic sets in from those days will I achieve it without more bother ... ? 

And then the realisation that all is different and enjoy the now ... 

But first ... the supplies one needs to substantiate a life 

Into the swing

of what I say ... and I mostly do ... the faith in thyself ... where there is not, there is! The touching base  and all the words that mean nothing to me, with people and appointments ... My own plans for the life in flurry slow. 

The turn around of dark into light. Or not necessary. The sensational in truth of life beyond the inner sanctum. The fact I can now sync my movements even more. My movements tracked if I wish it for record in recovery ... 

The fact too that what I have lost in reality, does it really matter in virtual too. One is not scared of the ghosts of time imprinted in these walls, more the fact my Siri or other voice applications can predict me. The tracking of movements and much behind the walls of 

The work of the misleads  in life all around us very much too back in a tad a sync too. The remember that when one is vulnerable not everything is true. The cold callers. The adverts that mislead and people too ... 

The maze in

the mess of chaos ... the diversions of life and death impacted the way. Only today again I have settled in the time all over the place ... The whirl in whirl wind swirls through the home thwarted in gradual each minute that passes. 

I am settling for the night. I have a busy few days. I hope to be rested enough to cope with the hope in swift and slow removal and tidy in life health personal care clothes and home ... etc etc etc

The fundamentals back in place to get to the next phase that seems so slow ... 

The implementation

of what I have achieved putting in place on this time. I have noticed yet again after a time in movement in new environment and experiences of old new.

The problems to solutionise. The worries still constant in barrage on the senses keen. The hub of communications in tremendous change. The few days in these adjustments. The work out of much in diary, calendar, budget, spreadsheets, appointments important in health and space in home. The plans to put in place anew new and old timetables and systems in the tech available. A source of those ideas others put in implementing in electronic form. We all have ideas, only some get it in place.

The loss of hub old into a new brighter easier way too ... The face time and device in sync. The back ups and way round in new. The mistakes. And the how did I do that? The slow continue on in a sister assistance to flowing through the maze of best mobile wifi that goes on my movement too now.

I am not tied to the home one day in recovery. The notice in my social world of more well travelled when actually I am in fast and furious catch up before I too am condemned in a slow death like my ancestors unless sudden takes me ... 

Wound

down another stage of piecing life together... it is now packing of a different time and a outbound journey to spend time precious with those I did not see for a very, very long while ... 

Writing a book

 ... not about widow hood, nor OCD, not hoarding ... only life for one experiences. The food packaged up brightly and looking too perfect, for family households. The cinema. Eating out. The supplements. The minimum of two ... and for any bargains to get is virtually non existent in parts of life. The gap widening with the www. 

The further in the carpool of school and work or social functions in looking on the web for someone travelling further to hitch a lift. And for cash. 

And as for finding a pen pal ... I have yet to find the logic in that ... so far it is a hotbed of other people looking for more than a email or letter ... 

I expect I am in the wrong place. It is like the single holiday I would like to do, that conjures up a different picture to what I seek ... 

This in the fruitful time of finding myself propelled fast forward in life from lost time ... some things have not changed yet others are distinctly virtual ... 

Mayhem from Malcolm

to the next transition of life back in slots ... the overwhelm from the latest batch of rest in recuperating from more in many dilemmas ... The hope to put plans into place from this time in reestablishin and different in seeing in a few solutions and as per usual ... and ...

... Whether Will Work ...

An eve of walk in recuperate 

Deciphering much

out of the containers and bags stuffed still to overflowing ... the alternate plans in place of the interruption of yet another infection that plaques me ... at least other decisions are made. 

It's running the now along with the periodic, the future and the en mass from the past ... The odd in that moments when I am not feeling overwhelmed... it feels once again a life ...

... Those once dark thoughts of the simple touch of bad and it would be gone ... in the shadows that not one other ever asked ... In those early days ...

Only after ...  

Life outside

continuing to shake up ... the spectrum of evolving news ... the decision in leaving behind a life that moves too fast to a slower dreckly life of barn dances and table top and the local theatre groups of old   The groups of people who were actually way ahead of the Eco time we are now in ... 

It will be an entirely out of sync time. The fact I have not lived in that area for a while. The transition after the time here immense 

The soothe in ...

.. the path ... at this juncture the little in much. The time with a Mum soon again. The most in making of this time after getting her daughter back. We have periodically spent time together. The last two years without Dad now he is eternally at rest. The silent solace only another widow or widower knows. 

And maybe some moe road trips in a sister car. One since her change of car I have not been in yet. We hope to go with our cameras not just my usual kit and go to our favourite beach in memories of our childhood with family and friends. 

Bring your Camera ...

... a sister in going out and taking photos at Daymer ... The plans afoot after her foot op. A time for her birthday ... our deceased Dads anniversay ... And other things planned ... whether they happen I take it has it comes ... 

My plans to do things usually happen ... or i just do it on my own ...

The itinerary

... room by room, area in area ... 

Today was for a restful respite in the atmosphere to start the feel more.

The continuation on with the more of the speed in removal. 

On the start of next week. 

The attempt to just work through it. 

The muddles. The conflicts. The need nots. Not the maybes. Those decisions that are not good in hard. 

Gifts in time ...

... flowers in speedy recovery wishes ... and virtually set for a trip out of town ... 

My daughter concerned with the natural upheaval for me in times when things a mess 

This will be reciprocal recovery in doing this 

A bit like camping ... 

... the set up before eating drinking bathe and a sleep ... 

The next move

in the life and times of a muddle in moments One that is in the natural events in life ... 

A time in settle of the next generation, with much relief after the hardship endured 

The impact was not mine alone. These times precious in themselves. The more so, when life thunders in ways beyond and off course. 

De-stabilisation

a sensation of which would be good not to see ... Life is not in that realm ...

I will forever be trapped in trauma. The load of **** I have unfortunately had to deal with. This time finally in spending equal time with family is of a grace no one will know. The day I see the back of all this time and those with it. I do not wish to be reminded. A point comes when that is it. 

Those that do not believe in what I do. It is coming to a time to walk on from this. I am still recovering ... I gave a home of what is left to move. Then I can find myself fully for who I am. Not what came to be ... tarred with the same brush. 

Sync in Learn

... finally getting around to the fine tune in a tad of life now. The portal of the place in life, lost in lost. I was awash with the cascade of autopsy in turvy life. 

And those dreams or mares. I could certainly tell a horror story in that. The bizarreness, I would alter in tone. 

The en masse of finding a platform among the choice in publishing. The set up of a pen name. And all that goes with it, a task in opening up different times.  The shake off, of other parts of a life, This to make way for a simpler time. At the start of this change on a death ... I could only surf the net, and had one email account ... a game or few ... my world opened up in many new ways, both in brilliance and frustrating... 

The find in this time of such surrealism about. The new to nexthand in much too. 

Andante

a good in memory of a special one 

This wait in work 

AOB in my paper work continues 

Lashings of travel in therapy

... the task to get over mind hurdles. We are very anticipitive in those plans since the freedom able to have in the movement of the home. And now to spread those wings elegantly in the sights sounds and smell of new environments ... 

The harvest homes, good food and a new basic knowledge of a new language. I may not speak it well, in those clumsy past attempts. As of old, with the French lycee in London on Cromwell Road. I picked up quite a bit on a daily basis. To do that and those Dutch, American and other cultures in my London time. 

It will be good again ...? 

The pace of time

the silly in the sad 

the sad in the stupid 

and Cupids arrow landing in my arena 

Life let downs

A the crux of this post crisis time ...

Now for the thy next procedures 

Time to give; is indeed a rare commodity 

I will not go into the bitter state of the grumpy side of life; as with all thy breeze in logs 

The flip side to gaiety and smiles I have 

turn me around the snarls, the dark photos, the posts that have a blot of the other of my personality 

The shadows in which I live on the outer skirts of society. 

My front room will look like a paper mountain; as I anticipated this ... 

Either I will be the story that never features a end in an end  or I will go on to become a legal aid in this life of decrepit legalities 

The adjustment back

to life here ... The rest of the week doing the odds and ends to wind back in to life disaster realignment... And all the things needed to proceed with things from time lost ... And I have a few more ideas for life ... a day in satisfaction of kind to self in time out ... Getting through invisible barriers 

Picture book photo from Mums Garden ...

Inspired in the counties of this country, like many before, in Kent and Kernow in particular. I have many an idea in vocation, volunteer, vacation and visual impact in thoughts. This time in quandary and mood dips. The keeping afloat to achieve more in the right direction. My sister was behind the latest encouragement as always, in the longer walk phase putting up with my grumbles. And as with my daughter in jest ... A lot of are we there yet ? ... My memory gone on what some of the trails were like. Those lost seasons, lost in this mind.

the Loss of moi ...

another season forward and less ...

since the year start, with today finally fitting into a sports top. The gradual loss that I am rectifying in reverse ... is working ... 

my sister suggested I take up running again...  not just yet ... 

A regime that is working for me ... no gym or running ... my exercise bike long gone ... 

• a workout within the home in shifting items past
• a walk with errands 
• a walk to enjoy the senses again 
• Many hikes in Kernow to transfer to a Kentish time 

This, that is working for me; until life back ...

the tassel in the tussle ...

and tossle of all around ... the perpetual head ache where once was not ... tackling it with the killing of a spouse to boot ... 

the misunderstanding, miscomprehension, misguidance and misjudgement of those caring for a complex hubby   

me ... and

the step into the unknown 

madam left to deal with the left overs ...  

A wide spread

clear through life ... awaiting the move of items to the North .

The fascination when bothered in life beyond for us all ... 

My time in the right manner to live again beyond what is in the time in a deceptive part of the mind right now ... 

Time out

now with myself and others 

First I hope to watch a film ... the 1946 version of Great Expectations ... 

It is a case of juggling a trip out, getting ready for family to arrive and myself taking a trip to see family ... 

And the future plans in full swing too ... 

All systems are go ...

The Spending Money

when on my journeys now ... no traditional souvenirs... time in logs and memories is what I take. 

The gift in experience ... 

Applications and form filling

... is this weeks task in wind down mode ...

With the support of daughter I remembered my postal vote. I will not be so local then ... The next big stage of massive change is in tandem with all this  ... It makes me more than anxious ... 

All those forgotten little life things that add up to a bigger picture ... when slowly it buckles ... The many applications to do life choices ... 

Complex in yin

Context in yang
other cultures
help ease
the squeeze
in vulture like state
left in ruins on my plate

A rest in the action

the mind in thought
the break away
to come back
the zest renewed
to get some more removed
a tidy out into the ore
to renew that beautiful awe
once within, what is now a store

A grey June sky

most days recent,
notice in a hi!
when in life a tune.
Time out in town
for a bronze and brown
to make me smile
and not a frown!

Time with Kin ...

who will think they are at the wrong home, or in my daughter's scenario, back in a different time. I have items back in operation, those little things that make it mine again.

In fair time

the last of the mega tidy. I hope to focus on some local time in this beautiful town and villages and a London borough 

Then a journey into central London and through some once local city haunts to another well known area ... 

... through those many counties explored at some point ... 

My mission in travelling to start local, expand to the Isles of this very country, to get well seasoned again to do Duke Of Edinburgh type of activities ... in adventures anew and old ... 

Wherever life will be or takes me now ... 

Approaching June ...

time out elsewhere ... I will have been here 11 years on the 27 June ... 21 July was our moving in date ...    for a previous home ... 

this time last year ... I gave myself a year to see where I was ... 

It is still too slow .. 

The next strategy which involves no sentiments ... To fulfil a life left ... 

To see how to approach this project Mojo ... while I an elsewhere for a while ... With hill walks and a trail or few ... 

...Staying on Task ...

the wind down of the events to come. I hope to be rested in this period too. I will then be able to attempt a task in Kernow 

I will be with sister as she recuperates from an op. There will be no trips in the car. It will be shanks's pony this trip ...

... A Masterpiece ...

In fruition 

And as predicted with the massive gale in the winds of change. I have heaved, dragged, pushed and pulled through a home of extremes this month of May. The pattern of adjustment throwing up how a loose cannon I was on the immediate aftermath.  This month has seen a humungous time of swift change in all things. 

It is the next change of the wind of time blowing through.The mass tidy of the devastation I created yesterday in pulling out more clouds of dust. This enables me to enjoy some time elsewhere to revitalise myself for the next en masse of visual impact in change. 

A surreal time

culminating in a day away from life again ...

At least plans in the driving are as planned for our daughter. We can then shift the stuff to her new home. It might give me the gumption to face another confidence barrier. 

Her acquired skills even though disrupted this year; still means she can guide me the things in life I have suggested I might do ... 

And any decisions in self publishing;  she will be proof reading my work ... 

In the meantime I will do; what I do ... 

A low ebb

... today ... It would be a phase of grief from the recent loss no doubt ..

I just put it to doing a cross country run ... The last hurdle is always the hardest ...

Everything is overdue ... If I had a Pound every time it was said it will take time ... 

time better spent elsewhere ... 

The ripples of the next stage ...

... And long before the assumptions on the loss of a family member locally ... 

The coldness in time where I continued here ... the lack of funding in all areas and striding out on my own when my thoughts turned bad ... .. And lack of concern in not getting me ... Cos I did not conform to rigid guide lines ... 

No one can stop life ... 

But take heed when some one reaches out ... but because too many care changes did not get me in that dark time ... 

Twice in my life I reached out ... Once ... resulting in a death ... The next me ... 

... left ten weeks without care ... 

My sister propped me up last year when it failed ... We are doing it our way on my terms .. 

A colossal task in attempts

... To break the cycle ... That became from traumatic events to a bump of a crisis ...

Avert those labels ...  and live by doing things that I now have the freedom to do ... Now to free the mind of the invisible barriers can... Easier said ....

Never Not The Whole Story ...

this was an end story in my life... 

 ... The snippets of a life in passing ... 

Research into house clearing ... One en masse procedure ... when the photos the paperwork and the bits I want doing ...  back again to need and require ... 

And all the giggles we had last week ... 

The perplexities of our belongings ... 

The evolution of our species   ...  

Imput of time elsewhere too ...

... to gain and train and interact beyond the doors...

This is the time of year for trips to the HQ in Sevenoaks and more locally in my volunteering capacity I sought myself ... When those caring for my welfare failed to get back to me ... on my wishes to seek a role in life ... 

A Humongous Change ...

 again in our lives ...

And in my lounge today ... I will be treated to a cinema trip to ease the tensions from this change in environment of ruthlessly getting rid ...

On course in a change in direction ... Massively in my life to wishes envisaged as planned in this year of 2016 

We have just got rid of a calendar stuck on February 2015 

I went downhill then ... Now time to turn the page 

A Massive Change

from a bereavement of loss from time afloat ... 

My stutter in studies with funding ... A daughters with lack of life understanding which reaffirms how life is lost in death ... 

Life spent in death cuts no ice ... 

All there loss ... And others who appreciate gains ... 

The importance of time which is difficult for those in jobs and studies that encroach in leisure and pleasure time ... 

Original Tentative plans

on hold for a period of the fresh mourning on the loss of a Nana ...

This long period of awaiting the body from the morgue ... To the funeral to the swiftness of belongings for custodial awaitment on the logistics of moving the opposite way to where I hope to eventually reside ... 

Is the delay in the original plans set in mind 

The Start of ...

the next phase in the removal of belongings ... 

Here, there and everywhere ... 

And attempt at logic ... even here ... where it is organised ... 

My time away from the world happened for a reason ....

The only thing though a bit rusty to assist Mum in something I once was able to do ... the confidence taken a bit of a dent ... like my touch typing ... on a full size Qwerty ... and my driving for reasons beyond the confidence ... which was associated with social exclusion ... 

Memories of and In Kernow ...

whilst assisting in various tasks ...

my shoes from time here still up in the rafters ... the noticeable missing art work I took to my own home ... from empty frames ... 

• Shoes
• Country dancing 
• Photos 
• Land rover 
• Larks Mead
• Rocks and Minerals 
• old old photos
• individual Interests ... 
• Vocations 

Saying goodbye and good bye and goodbye and so ruthless at times ... it is throwing up a load of ideas ...

One never has the time for things thought about ... this is leading to things of a diverse and different life of could be's in place of ... instead of's ...

My return task

Is now slightly different... And as with the usual run of things it will no doubt change again ... I am in conflicts for I hope to just get on with it ... today ... As once used to do ... 

Not feel mindfully tied to the home ... It is the strangest of conflicts my old self just getting on outside with my once zest for the outdoor activities to the retreat of being and staying indoors ... 

Another time of feeling trapped ...

Bringing back memories not talked about from that Christmas time ...

Thankfully I was allowing time ... 

But still my head and mouth and heart not good ...  from those times past when dealing with these times in trying to get out that door in the now ... 

At the same time the feelings of trap and harsh negative behaviour that continued after too from  certain people ... 

Tonight was another challenge to overcome. ... And I would not hang up the call until I was reassured ... They were good ... That is why I do not like communications ...  especially phones ... People can't see ... What is happening ... The triage ...  The urgency ... And not coming that time past 

Another legacy from that time when .... A human being was left to die without dignity .... 

Drip Drip Drops ...

The evening spent trying to prepare myself; while having an internal rain fall from the bathroom above leaking through the rafters onto me to deal with ... 

We shall see how this ... in my already dry mouth state will be for the forthcoming time ... 

Allowing Enough Time ....

I am pleased I am aware of my personal time constraints and how life has left me ... 

I have wound everything up ... except the things that are the last minute and hope to enjoy a day to prepare my senses to go in the busy world of travelling from A-B ... 

You get to a stage where things can wait ... And as long as you have your documents and money and personal needs everything else can be what is be ... 

A Day Of Days ...

a bit of everything today ... with the smiles and chats as we go about our interaction ...  when I went  out and up to town. 

My medication not ready as it should have been. They found me in the end. I had already been in Friday. 

Inside the home feeling pleased with the progress made ... and hoping to pick it up seamlessly on my return home from the soon to be time elsewhere ... 

I hope for some more time outside tomorrow. I am anticipating my family keeping me occupied and out of mischief. I am building up my days better with structure. I hope I will not be so tired yet again, and keep up with the pace of life a bit more this time around while I am away ...

The Days Can Fade ...

with the outside interrupting my memories ... today is continuing the continued focus of winding down with the daily functions and what is required in a more conducive environment so life does not slip away some more ... and not to spend time with those we love ... 

The last week consisted of various attempts as is usual in this life that is now ... to get used to the environments, people and clearing the past alongside the many functions of life now ... with the forthcoming wind down and allowing the extra time for the stress that still happens ... to have a bit of a bus man's holiday ...

... now with my newly reunited music in my new piece of updated tech designed to wear on the ears without the wires dangling and getting in the way ... And I can still wear my reading glasses which is helpful ... I can while away the work today to the soothing sounds of quality, that once I was used to ... I have really missed the headphones I had as a gift from my hubby ...

I am looking forward to hearing my favourite pieces of music in this way again ...

where to next?

A Kernow Swan by the bridge on the River Camel 

As per usual all was not transparent with yesterday ... consequently not conducive...

However single minded determination has its uses...

The poem 'If' by Kipling comes in mind 

A one man stand... 

I was not given faith on my plans

after talking with the other people involved ... I think I am more believed now ... other than just walking out as I have done before ... and leaving it all behind ... or the other things I have thought about ... 

if it takes another crisis ... it is 2016 ... all that happened since is even more disjointed and out of sync ... I should not still not have the environment burden surrounding me ... it is getting the balance right not too fast ... and not too slow ... life never works ... well it does not seem to lately ... 

I said to my sister I be checking  the water is turned off, even in my sleep .... 

I am known for sleeping walking when stressed ... 

Day 10 ... Decsions moving about ...

and in full swing ... I have been into task ... Trying not to be too ambitious ... Gently working through the tears today ... Everyday things are part of the result ... When you are let down in the most dreadful way ... It is hard to believe anything will happen ... Especially again last year ....

Cracking on with packing up with a real mixture of a day that entails ....

Outside in ... 

A collection of an item and using different tech to take photos to make a change. One does not need to enter the world outside ... It is coming to me ... at times it is helpful with not having transport currently ... 

The 9th Day of the 3rd Month in the 16th year of this Millennium ...

Which has now gone ...  left time remembered ...  The flowers from the weekend still good five days later after realising things forgotten ... All the tips again from experiencing life ... 

The fact of functioning each day since the tradegy of life that befell in an atypical way to what anyone could imagine ... unless one is in contact with those in circumstances more prevalent behind closed doors, where only the few that enter premises by law to update utilities etc especially in non social housing where there might be no one aware for whatever reason ... And as I know in my experience ... No one from these utilities had the sense to do something about it ... 

And the fact too of it being known especially at the outset I was at risk of giving up ... Too 

Is a massive amazement to this day ... 

Wow ...

Day 7 

Ten days to go ... This is an example of what can still be done if I set to task without negative bother ... Although in wind down mode I had to cope with the stress I try to allow time in the day for ...  As in today ... A stranger at the door of not a good way ... Wanting your money through touting for business and a few other little niggles ... Along the way during this day ... 

There is more space again, created today, ever so tiny for I have chipped away while getting plans set for packing, shopping and to function daily in planning the meals,  although I skipped a meal today ... 

And things put in cupboards and away from the living space and streamlining the space in the process ... I am able to fling about a bit more if I so wished ... 

The stress finally caught up with my nose too ...

my mind took more of a pounding again recently resulting in the usual release of an Epistaxis. 

Day 6 ... All Mothers' Day ...

Eleven days of getting my head around a different routine for a while; leaving things to come back to afresh. I am quietly functioning on these special times. I will be travelling on the next occasion and spending some time on those other days, with others in the similar way. 

Various activities and tasks this week to wind down the works a tad ... Too many things whirl and swirl though ... 

• The Disappearing Desk
• Beneath the Dust
• Perpetually the Kitchen
• Paperwork the now, the annual, the usual, and  the learnings from the failings of the learnings
• Media cabinet moving the now defunct Videos but not our special ones of ... family life  
• The double Bathroom Cabinet removing Time Stood still and hubby's bit and pieces. A basket on a tower shelf in the kitchen of hubby bits and pieces too ... 
• Starting on that room 
• stash busting the more enjoyable but not necessarily have the time for now...

A Productive Day 5 ...

which prompted so many thoughts which in turn with the help of the modern day touch type pads I was able to document into published posts ... and as with a more fluid flow in life never enough time to get all the inspiration out. The inspired that gets to flow out that I do is a bonus. It is the trouble with the suppressed time. I am trying to make up for the lost time. It is against the clock. You can only do so much. 

This is the decisions now being made... letting go of what is impossible to do, with what is left to focus on, the enjoyment of what can be enjoyed and my plans. I am attempting to get through this particular overwhelming time for more of a structure that should have been originally ...

Day 4 ...

Time is flashing by ... Friday this time next week I will have had by now my meds review. A good early appointment. It will be then less than a week of countdown to Cornwall ... 

Travelling on a day always acknowledged by my hubby. That will take my mind off brooding in bedlam ... That is by way of a home ... 

This is out of respect in the way I use that name ... we often talked about the history of this and women and slavery and how history uses people for self gratification in demeaning sex, people and if they are ever so slightly different locking people away or using them on show in halls of fame for money ... The elephant Man is  very poignant ... so too the film or words I read once of many past ... I am not and never alone in how we can still be treated ... 

I have since watched on my own now ... another series of life in film ... I do miss these discussions and debates ...

fresher air for day 3 in the home today ...

the wind was helpful in the night with all the windows I could safely have on the catch ... it feels good in here today ... this is where I miss the back door ... 

We used to have the doors open for a time ... I am careful for my protector is no longer here, and people can take the piss ... until my look ... 

My Dad showed me a few self defence moves for those times I travel alone when I first started leaving the nest ... It now comes in helpful for living alone again ... the way my mood is sometimes they had better watch out for my handbag and a good old fashion clip ... and if able ... those moves ... 

day 3...maybe Moments dependable... on the night before....

• Music Magic...pieces of music reunited with 
• Movie moments with colour 
• Inspired by the wind currently whistling 
• Using my new Biscuit stamp  that is hopefully arriving today 
• Making another new recipe for my main meal of the day 
• More progress in the bedroom to aid a more relaxing time in this room 
• Whatever takes my fancy when I get or not carried away or absorbed in time past 

Day end of ...

A very varied day ... Just like it could be ... Let's hope that solves the mystery of the sub conscious ...  To get a better nights sleep ... A satisfying achievement in the steamy rooms of the home ... 

• The kitchen ... finishing the days baking with melt in the mouth biscuits ... 
• And in the bathroom getting my hair in a better condition ready for a good style I have yet to decide on with my hairdresser from times ago ... When in Kernow soon ... 

The weather is still stormy. I am a bit calmer ... The storm warning on the weather station has been letting off steam again and the trend is down ... 

Day 2 ... Difficult Day ... The Start Of an Afternoon ...

the Time hubby would finally be surfacing ...

For Me ...  I have been up with the lark debating and deciding a solution to my sleep disturbed by constant repetitional dilemmas over and over, driving me stir crazy ...

Destination Bedroom ...

after getting my well being into a smoother flow ... I will tackle where I lay my head .... when I get to this place ... again ... only by certain support has this room ever been considered ... sleep hygiene ... yes ... ambiance ... non ...

Day 2 ... Part 2 ... Start of the Daylight Hours ...

own remedies on sleep ...

Solvings, Solutions, Sleeps, Rests, Rememberings, and Rejections: Moods, Minds over Matters ...

I am more in tune with those who feel rejected in life. Those who feel not listened to. The eyes and ears and minds of others not really with you. When you reveal your inner, inner most turmoils. Ouch!

Empathy not sympathy too ... 

I much prefer writing. Only those too, pass by those who know. Yet it has given a lot in the further reaches of the world. 

Fellow strangers give more at times. 

And only when you die, it gets revisited. Life passes swiftly by, until it is too late. All experiences seen, experienced and been with.

Day 2 ...

My mind does not sleep. I am not understood. That time is scarring on things one cannot see. I do not burden my sister or cousin too much. As I did with the time not talked about. I get on with it the best way  o see fit. In my limitations. As with husband you tire of talking to others.

I will and might do something different tomorrow to see if it eases my sleep again ...

Day 1 of the next Phase ...

ever so gently getting the now, the future and the past floating alongside each other. This is the challenge this month ... A time four years ago the rehearsals and other things were in full swing for the opening and closing ceremonies for the Olympics and Paralympics our daughter and others were involved in. And coming across all things in February from this time. Her auditions details, all the special things from that time. Some of that is still with us. 

This month is very much not getting too absorbed, for a time with different family members are in order, starting this week. And some more of the exposure to the outside environment that can still feel strange while absorbed back in that home from a time that should have long gone by now. 

It is like stepping in a time capsule. Only I do not get to see the people past. Just time and history in belongings and decor. 

Leap Year 2016 ... Day 29 ...

All generations, are amazed how time has passed since we were engaged. That is life.

I purchased up North, in the sale at Hanley, a perpetual Christmas Countdown block ... It is in use to countdown the deadlines in tasks I set. It is not rigid. It is a guideline. The next time with be for the month of March, until I get to Kernow, to tidy up what I have done, and doing in the next 17 days ...

A Lotta Lotta Charity and Clearing On decisions Made ... still plenty to go ...

taking a break and easing into the extra day we have this year ... to take a long weekend off from some of it to mark personal celebrations in our once life ... with daughter and I going our separate ways now ... that is how day 25, 26, 27 and 28 was on more of a ruthless start on clearing my life away, to make way for a new chance to live differently, that come to some of us get when things take drastic and unexpected twists and turns in life ... 

World Thinking Day... Day 22 into Day 23 and Today ...

From Thinking Day to World Thinking Day ... although in our area we were always aware of the world of Guiding and Scouting. I am not sure if I still have my Guide handbook. This is how the mind diverts. I wonder if I still have that or this. 

Day 22 and 23 ...

I have been enjoying the fruits of my labours, although immersed in all that is about me. I made time on the day I have remembered for as long as I became a Brownie, through and past the time of attending Guides it is still going strong. It has moved with the times. 

I then adjusted my time table to face a bus journey later this week to visit my mum in law who had checks overnight in hospital recently. Today and tomorrow are busy markets here and in the town where she now resides in. I will see how I go. 

Previous Days and Today ...

I have been busy baking some bread to acquire a more settled time, for the unsettling of life adjustments like these that trigger memories I rather not remember ... now ... 

I keep quietly clearing, rather slowly at times to the refuse and recycle and the charity and put in use things I have been reunited with in the muddle of life that is now past ... The perpetual sort through of memories in a time of stillness in this once busy home is ongoing ... 

I have found out and used from the other day when I first made bread, a loaf tin my Mum had sent up ... I have come across the things I was given to pamper myself in the rooms my family knew me for ... the lotions and potions and bits and bobs in getting me motivated to wash, cook, and craft ... a pattern book, card craft and much more ... 

It was overwhelming these things at the time ... A home decor mood book ... DVDs ... so many things ... so thoughtful ... but what a quandary at that time .... 

What I did adapt to and use from the outset were the ebooks, phones pads and pods, my sister passed on or gave as gifts to motivate me in the world that uses gadgets more and more ... I adapted from hard copies where I could and transformed my life through a world a lot of folks are still fathoming out too ... 

It was such a help and kept my mind both occupied and frustrated. Over this sad time I have learnt to use everything from emails to blogging to more scribbling sketching and painting in new ways ... even though at times, I can still not be focused on the now ...

The weekend on Day 20 through 21 ...

more of the same creating a mess ... clearing the mess in the muddle of a home in restoring some life back in it ... along with the daily functions of life now ... loads of flashbacks to stop me in my tracks ... remembering to smile when the bitterness creeps in my moods ... 

Reunited with more of the music that I have been sifting through. With World Thinking day upon us for those who acknowledge this day ... reflections back on photos again, to remind me of happier times, made much more recently too, to remind me I am still functioning  ... 

The Nineteenth Day ...

the counter space semi hidden once again ready for the various decisions to be made. The finances kept in good health, whilst airing the property and getting motivated for the next bit. 

The main thing is enjoying what I am doing this weekend to boost the mood which can so easily dip... I am not sure what I am doing ... I'll let the mood take me ... I did fancy baking some cookies ... 

I have been communicating with more than the core family, which is good. I am still not very good in interaction. I hope that comes as I shed off the clutter and mess and muddle bit by bit ... and be more in tune with the world out of these walls ...

Day 18 ... Dignity in ... Dying

It is good for the morale, that there is more space in the kitchen. I have the start of my inner strength of will. I have just worked through the memories stirred, which helps the current complaint. I have my moments of wobbles. It is never going to be easy; with no thanks to the ripple non response effect. The fact I am struggling this far down the line is the fact, that the failed  planned care was not still put into action ...  to continue with considerations to grief and although the body removed. The items did not. I would have needed support more support than ever. 

I am laying ghosts to rest ... whilst they are stirred once again. I may have gone round in circles, overwhelmed, injured, fallen over out in public too, on pavements, in buses on people and so forth which lack of due care and attention from those who are paid to be there for society needs when we are struggling. And rebuilding my strength. The lack of knowledge of how to care ... surrounded us.

If others struggled with the overwhelmness... What does that say ... ? ... 

I keep coming back to being trained to work in the palliative care part of life ... The trouble is targets forget about Dignity in Dying ... 

I was so brutally treated in the sweep of life from living with OUR complex requirements ... And then there was one ... in a cluttered home, now with a death scene to contend with ... Hello ?  in a mish mash of life and everyone coming to me to co-ordinate ... 

I was in no fit state to operate and function in life ... Once the arrangements for our daughter's welfare, the funeral  ... The other items I will not mention ... Taken care of ... No wonder I just wanted to lay in the cold until it too ... Took me ... 

Day 4 through TODAY ... Day 17

I was finding the paperwork from the past problematic. I went back to the task I had started in starting somewhere. The varied progress made, although still not yet second nature. The volume of the following time too, was too overwhelming and it gets me. No-one likes to repeat themselves in the nasty's of life.

I am tempted to enter the room; I do not enter. This means organising the clothes I hang here to hide, what is beyond. I leave the door ajar to air and circulate. I do what I do in this home to keep it better circulated than I was able to ... when life did not matter.

Our daughter and her boyfriend were the last in there. It is getting my head round where to begin, start, commence the process in this. The best way to approach taking out the items; to the need of living functions and pleasures ...

And then family can start coming back here. They have given me space to manoeuvre this process and I go to them for the holidays ... which is good in a way; for that travelling needs to be second nature again too ...

Hopes for a better time of it ...

The struggles of facing life without hope ... Let alone the world when one now views it even differently yet again ... The general moaning and groaning without a smile for fellow people ... Ungraciousness ... the blood shed ... When one saw one struggling to cope with physically and mental health issues in a world still full of prejudice overlooking the fact of being unable to cope ... is very different to the fact of choosing to live like that ... 

The triggers and trials of a life past ... I knew I had a lot to put to rest ... I have adjusted the ardous task of paperwork, for more adaptions to the way I still lived following the adjustments ... It has been putting the relevant items that can now go in the relevant rooms now ... And seeing that 'Why am I still doing that?'

This will hopefully rest my mind, to come back to the paperwork again ... This is an ongoing trial and error period of this life ... It is all anew ... And I am free to live a life of my own choosing again ... if and when ... only my own mind will let go ... and embrace this fresh time I now have ... 

Decisions ...

right or wrong, inbetwixt ... The one thing that is obvious is what I will not have time for now and let go of it ... I will not catch up ... It is gone ... 

Later Today ...

is the allotted day from those early days of getting the muddled finances back in order ... after becoming a bit obsessed I will concentrate on this and also do something good ... I did accidentally pay an extra Council Tax forgetting I pay over 10 ... This would be good to concentrate on today and not the past ... where time has moved and some do not think of this ... 

Anyway interesting, very interesting times to come ... a dish best served cold ... I did say I was a bit of a lemon this week ... bitter ... 

Dawn of Day 3 ...

not quite yet ... later on ...

Hopes for some progress ... it looks for a easier task or so; after a restless time ... I do not put pressure on myself ... if things come together or not just yet ... when I forget things have gone, I try to be logical ... and when an irritating memory is jogged, I move on to something good ... or an idea to log ... plenty to keep occupied in the good zone ... 

This was tested this week ... I dealt with what became, told myself to stop being a lemon ... and deal with the present in time and let my self go back in time for a while to bring it back to the present also ... 

And if I am making any sense whatsoever, then I am making progress all round ... 

That was a more...

peaceful afternoon ...

It gave time for the mind to be more productive again ...

Let's hope Day 3 tomorrow flows a bit better ... time will see ...

Mid Week and Time ...

for a breather ...  especially after  a solid two days of emotions ... Hopes for a more peaceful day now I dealt with more of those irritations in life ... 

My head is swirling ... a long lunch break and see where I am taken after that ... 

Beneath The Dust

... Cleaning is sometimes a no brainier ... I stay away from the chemicals at the best of times and certainly when I'm in confused mode ... I use them to a minimum ... I prefer the science of the techniques passed down long before all the fancy ads of the modern era ... 

Jif now Cif stands the test of time ... I use miltons instead of bleach ... Bicarbonate of soda also is one of our tried and tested as is baking powder and white vinegar ... 

I used to use the strong stuff every so often for a blast of a session. And maintain with the stuff one has around the home usually in between ... 

I have done some of the household cleaning to take me through to the time phones will ease a bit at the start of the working day ... And they have settled into the day ... 

I feel as though I have done a days work already with yesterday's shenanigans...

The Morning next ...

After the time before

This was not going to be smooth ... I will keep at it on the scenic route ... I am not wishing this time away ... in lucid times ... life is precious ... only even I have caved at the most pushed times ...  

Once ... I was the one to coax ... I was the one to encourage ... I took time out of my own life to spend precious time with a tortured mind ... Losing my husband long ... before he physically went  ... 

Now I am the one ... 

After such an Appalling Time ...

Of it today ...

I hope to ease into the day later today with some nice things ... after dealing with some problems first, at the start of this day ... Then get something sent to daughter to tie up another loose end that should have been done when her Dad was still alive ... 

I hope to have a bit of a pamper ...my hair is in need of a good cut too ... I hope to get that done before long? ... That was another thing I did myself during that time ... I have always trimmed my own fringe between my hair cuts anyway, with a feathered cut ... I had been thinking about a completely different style ... My family cannot believe how dark my hair has gone ... Probably because the sunlight did not not see it for a long while ...

Day 2 ...

The impact is a blow to the senses again ... But on it goes ... Bringing all strands into a semblance of a more enriching time ... I would rather the next generation not to have to deal with yet more cluttered spaces beyond the norm .

My daughter was able to stay in student halls for various reasons. Three became four. Four became five, then back to four for the current year, this time in a student house to the two of them later this year. 

This has obviously meant moving around every year, applying the same pricinciple through our life once, and again now ... reduce, reuse, recycle as we go ... The benefits to a more personal place for these items, with the young people they give some of their time to, to either use themselves or raise those funds to operate access to outings out of the home to give others a change to ... 

And now for me to back get into the mode of life and rejoin it again too ... To do so ... Clear the home clear this mind andto a better atmosphere ... 

I focused on those good moments ...

evoked from the sifting through of a past ... that should have gone long ago ... 

I focused in on the more usual treasures in a home. A photo album of mine. The photos took of years long ago.  It was pleasing that I had a picture of the old fire station by the home in Kernow; which was recently pulled down to make way for other dwellings. I had not taken a photo of it recently. 

Especially having that moment today helped, with the frustration of the plans to shred that went out of the window. The shredder I had intended to use was a challenge to retrieve. 

As usual my thoughts were restless. The end goal is much in mind. And the fact I have ideas whirring around too ... which tonight is taking the noise away from outside of a storm well brewing. 

Monday first of the month ... Day 1

Finding more of a schedule for the back log is on the agenda this week ... Facing the backlog of the paperwork my sister started on when we were in that period I have only briefly scanned on in past logs ... This is a vey painful phase ... Going through husbands paperwork and checking all that was started by family, then the crisis team to start the process of re- establishing paperwork order in finances ... 

That all is back in order and a line drawn underneath on that part of the process .... 

And co-ordinating the present with this task and transferring documents by scanning and electronically is going to take patience to find a system that suits my personal needs ... Long overdue in the over whelming timetable of all in this muddled life 

It will mean a lot less stress and better for the wellbeing in the long term 

On the Agenda ...

this week is some of the paperwork that will be created from the forthcoming changes in this life. 

And the upcoming annual flow that will be coming through the letterbox. 

I am still finding my way through this ... having to recently get out the death certificate of my husband. I will need the overflowing boxes and other space taken over by this stuff and nonsense ... but essential to living ... condensed down for the proposed life style changes ...